Wednesday, October 28, 2015

30: Not So Dirty or Flirty

It's been so long since I have written, that I feel like I don't even know how to start. My previous, anonymous, now deleted blog, was last written in on June 2013. Certainly a lot in my life has changed since then. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

I am turning 30 in two weeks, exactly, from today. Like many, I feign terror at the idea of beginning a new decade. In all, reality, it's not the age itself that I have a problem with. What can be hard, is that my life is nowhere near what I expected it to be at this point in time. Where's my ring? Or my babies? All my life, the one that that I wanted more than anything else was a family. I was engaged at 22. Surely I could count on having a loving husband and at least a couple babies by the time I turned 30. However, that ended before it even began. Since then, I've dated, albeit somewhat in a limited fashion. I would cling to shreds of hope after one relationship ended, continuing to involve myself in something that would never be. All I got from that is time wasted.

To be honest, I never valued myself enough as a person. I couldn't find the drive or desire to push beyond my own limits and comfort zone to find my happy. I felt lost in my own life, having no idea who I was or what the hell I was doing. I can remember clearly when that began changing. If it weren't for a new friend that I met in a very unconventional fashion, I would probably still be stuck in that dark place. While she was dealing with her own demons, she recognized mine and knew that some hard love was exactly what I needed. My life as I know it now began that March of 2013.

I'm a better version of myself now, but I am by no means where I want to be. I can always do better and be better. I am trying to learn how not to settle. How to push for more. How to accept what I deserve. I have to love myself unconditionally before anyone else can love me. Fortunately, I can be in that place now.

Currently, I have realized that the biggest thing missing from my life is my faith. I started coming to a realization that I feel a strong pull back to God. When my closest friend confided in me that she was beginning to feel the same, before I had even told her anything, that I knew we both had to take action. We've been seeking recommendations for churches and we are very much looking forward to finding a place where we belong. I am confidant that if I find my faith and my love in the Lord again, and act in a manner that puts my faith before all else, that everything else will fall into place as it is meant to.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13